Overwhelmed!!

I am so poor. I have always been poor, and I am beginning to believe that I will always be poor. I don't want to be rich, but I want to be able to have enough gas to take my kids to the movies. I want to be able to take care of my kids on my own, and not have to borrow money from family members to feed my own children. I want to help them with college, and whatever it is that they need at the time.

Right now I am a direct entry midwifery student in my second term, and I don't even know how I am going to get through the next several years of school, let alone, take care of my children. In becoming a direct entry midwife, I am in it for the passion of birth, not for money. I'm not asking to be rich. I just want to be able to take care of my family. Is it possible? I'm really not sure at this moment.

What is it that I can do, while taking on school, children, an apprenticeship, and everything else that goes along with being alive in this day and age? Oh, and a husband that seems to be suffering from a social phobia and lack of motivation?

I will tell you one thing that I won't do, and that is,"Give up."

Biodynamic birth

Definition: The art of facilitating a birth with the least intervention while protecting the well-being of mother and baby.

As a student midwife who believes in the natural ability of the woman's body to birth her baby, I will use this approach to birth everytime I attend a woman and her family. I will be there as a protector of her space, and will allow (hate that word) the woman to bring about her own manifestation, whatever that will be, at the time that she feels is right.

I will allow(again, hate the word) the birth process to unfold as it should, which will bring about the hormone changes that are necessary for labor and birth to commence. This will help the mother and baby to deal all of the fluctuations of hormones that are necessary for them to have a beautiful experience from the very beginning, as it is meant to be.

I will use my intuition and my knowledge to assess the well-being of the mother and baby unit. As long as they show signs of tolerating labor well, I will stay out of their birthing space. I will only come into her space if she asks or needs me to. I will come to develop a sense of when this kind of intervention is necessary, as I develop my intuitive and physical skills.

I will do no harm. I will not get into the mother's birth space for my own reasons. I will not let my ego, impatience, fear, or any other unjustifiable reason get in the way of the mother's birth space or energy. I will not impede on the mother's birthing experience out of my own insecurities. I will accept that birth has it's own plan, in it's own time. I know that there is a divine moment for labor and birth, and I will merely be a witness to this grand moment in time.

I will honor each child as they choose their time to come into this world. I will give honor to each woman, baby, and family as they experience this life changing event.

I want to leave

I hate my husband today, and I have hated him for awhile at this point. I dream about being without him some day, and the way things are going, it won't be long. Oh wait, that's right! I have three beautiful children with him. I have to remind myself, it's not just my life anymore. From the time that I got pregnant I made an obligation to these three babies that I would put them first, and right now that sucks! I want to run away and be free, but that just is not going to happen. They will come first. So, when my husband says, "If you're miserable, then leave!" I feel that he is being very ignorant. We have these kids to put first.

I am a midwifery student with a lot on my plate right now. I can't just up and leave. We have to work out a way to put all of this into perspective, and not do anything without thinking it through first. This all has a lot to do with having no money, having a child from a past relationship come back into the picture who is an adult and a huge mess, and getting no respect from anybody in my life for being a full-time student. I am very tired of having to constantly plow through shit to be a student. It's not fair or right. I will be strong and continue on this wild journey that I have chosen for myself and my family. I will become a midwife if it freaken kills me, and it just may.

A hard posterior birth

I have only attended 7 births so far in this journey of mine towards midwifery, so the fact that 5 of them have been posterior is kind of, interesting to say the least. I am very curious as to why this is happening. Is there something that I need to learn from the universe about posterior presentations? Is this going to be the thing that I have the most experience about in midwifery? Some midwives always get shoulder dystocias, some get an exuberant amount of pph's, and some get placenta abruptions. Why is it that certain midwives get certain kinds of conditions over and over again that some other midwives never even have to experience one time? I find it to be very interesting as to why or how this happens? Maybe it happens to all healthcare practitioners, where certain ones get to experience certain conditions over and over again. Whatever it may be, I have seen posteriors being born in all different manners. Out of the 5 posteriors, 1 was born vaginally with lots of interventions, three born by cesarean, and now I have seen one born completely natural. It was a multip who had a very hard time trying to birth her baby and the midwife didn't seem to have any idea that the baby was posterior until the baby came out sunny-sideup. The nurse says," That's what the Native Americans call a star gazer"! I had wondered what had been holding up the baby, but I was surprised to see another posterior! This client did everything not to have a posterior presentation at the time of the birth. She is a cheerleading coach who was very active up until the day of her birth. She was aware of the fact that she did not want to labor with a posterior baby so she gardened, danced, mopped her floor on hands and knees, and even labored in great positions to avoid the baby going into the star gazing position. What's the deal? I would really like to know.

I just found out a couple of months ago that I was a posterior presentation, who was born by emergency c-section, causing my mother to go on to have her 3 other children by c-section as well. I just found out that my husband was also a posterior presentation but being baby number 5, and having an old family doctor, was born vaginally and naturally.

What is it that I have to learn about posterior presentation babies? What is the universe trying to tell me?

Guilt

Why does being a woman and mother automatically come wrapped up in a nice little (or big) package of guilt? As soon as the pregnancy test shows up positive, women start to feel guilty. They aren't eating properly or they aren't taking supplements the way that they were told to, or they are sick and take medication so they worry about the health of the baby. Maybe they aren't getting along well with the partner so they automatically assume that they need to feel guilty because they are stressing out the baby that is in her belly. Women almost always have to be the main guilt carriers and I think that it's bullshit, and it is very unfair. Oh, and if there isn't enough money to buy groceries (guilt) so we decide that we better get a job to help pay the bills, then we aren't home with the kids so there again is the ugly face of guilt looking at you and trying to get you to believe that you are a bad mother. No matter what women do, there seems to be this huge pile of guilt. If something goes wrong with the pregnancy and the baby is some how lost, the woman blames herself. If the baby gets sick or the toddler gets hurt, it's some how the woman's fault. If you really look at it, women have to take a lot of blame. Look at Eve, she's the one responsible for eating the apple and getting the two of them kicked out of the garden. She is the reason that women have to endure horrible painful childbirth. It always comes back to the woman. Well, I have no time for guilt, so I'm checking it at the door.

I need to write

I have the hardest time writing on this blog. I debate what it is that I should be writing about, whether it be about midwifery school, my children, my crazy life, or my crazy family. I have a fear of giving too much up. By nature I am a talkative person, but when it comes to writing on here, I just freeze up. I am going to let my guard down, and write. I have been nervous because I have seen midwives get their asses tore up one side and down the other for what they have posted about. I have also seen people in the health care field have to close their blogs because of issues dealing with confidentiality, or people just not like what others are saying about them. At this time I am only a student, so my words aren't going to be viewed as important as they will be once I start working as an apprentice, and then on to be a practicing midwife. I have decided to write whatever I feel like writing about, so be it. I will write in my own voice, and I will let it flow! It will be a much better blog that way.

My kids first day

Today my oldest becomes a freshmen, my middle child an 8th grader, and my youngest a 5th grader. I am feeling a lot of sadness because they are growing at such a quick rate. When I had my babies, I never expected that they would become junior-highers and high-schoolers. This is very hard to see that before I even have a chance to catch up, they will be gone. My babies will be out in the hard tough real world. This scares the shit out of me.